Confession

With one month of traveling under my belt it is time to reflect.

I begin this trip with a few goals and intentions. I wanted to grow. I wanted to experience new things, emotions, and encounter difficulty. I wanted a challenge and I wanted to change the way that I think. I wanted to strive for self actualization and become a better person. It has always been a goal of mine to make a difference in the lives of others. To touch those who I come in contact with and hopefully leave them with as much as I take from them. I think I approach life from 2 distinct ideals. One of existentialism in which I believe that individuals create the meaning and essence of their lives, and that this essence follows from their existence and experiences. The second, Postmoderism which sets the impetus for uncapped growth and understanding as each experience will change me or influence me and essentially leaves an individual with a forward thinking view of his (sic) experiences.

I thought traveling the world alone would afford me time to think - time to experience life without the stress of the financial market. I truly realized how much I identified with my job. My job was my life. And I want to ask you - yes you - is your job your life? When people ask about you... what do you say? Do you tell them - I AM A DESIGNER? I AM A BANKER? Or do you tell them that you are good person who cares about saving the world, global warming, or perhaps making a difference in the lives of those who need it most. This post isn't about jobs, careers, or our identity. But it is about mattering and taking time to reflect.

Early in my graduate studies... I remember reading a psychological theory - The Theory of Marginality & Mattering. I can still remember sitting in class and thinking.. this theory actually makes sense. It is real... no past, no future, not even really psychology. Just common sense. In essence.. the theory goes like this.

When people begin a new experience they can feel uneasy about their ability and what their role is or should be in that experience. Marginality equates not fitting in. Marginality results in self-consciousness. Self-consciousness results in the inability to perform up to one’s capabilities. When people believe that they matter to someone else elements of marginality diminish. Students succeed when they are appreciated by others and receive positive attention. Mattering includes:
Attention: being noticed
Importance: believing one is cared about
Ego Extension: belief that someone else will be proud of successes or sympathize with failures
Dependence: being needed
Appreciation: feeling that one’s efforts are appreciated by others

And I just noticed... I am alone. Me and my computer. Me... and the internet. Me.. and a foreign city in a foreign land, with a foreign language...No one knows me, no one really cares about me and I matter very little. In an oxymoronic way... that is powerful. Very powerful. Right now... I am me. Really... me. Not an investment banker. Not a baseball player. Not a student... And for the first time in my life - I have no identity. No one to impress. No one to tell about all of my great accomplishments and the epiphany comes that it really doesn't matter. Why would it? People only respect your accomplishments and your actions. That respect may or may not transcend onto you personally. There are plenty of people I respect - but I still dislike them. Everyone has told me - 'I cannot believe you are doing this. I could never do this.' Why? Why couldn't you? A job? A boyfriend or girlfriend? Your parents? My point being... there is always going to be an obstacle - a road block in life. Always... tell me when there wasn't? Is it our identity and our place in the world that keeps us solidified to our careers, lifestyles, and expectations of others? Is it the hegemonic grip of society? Your belief systems? Fear? What is it? What keeps us from new experiences? What makes us truly angry? What makes us frustrated? I think two distinct things stand out.

Fear.. and Ego. Maybe hunger and agression as well. I have been frustrated during my trip with language and communication. The truth is - i have been very unaware of how I was responding. Jen - one of my best friends - called me out. And she said.. 51 countries... Turner... WTF. She is right. I am not frustrated or angry with language or not being able to communicate. I am frustrated with me.. - 'Why don't I know Russian? Am I stupid? Can I say this differenty so they understand? - Ego responses that are about me.

What happens if I actually miss my flight? Oh no.. I cannot spend another day here. I am lost in a taxi with a crazy cabbie. - Fear.

And then I get angry - Agression. In an attempt to supress the fear - I puff up - blow of some steam and equalibrium comes rushing back. I get to the airport. I get another flight... and now a new country.

Not sure where the psychology digression came from - but what I really wanted to say is this trip has been lonely. And it has made me realize just how important relationships are. Relationships with yourself. With awareness. With learning and with patience. Most importantly... I have realized that I do not need to fly 7500 miles away from home to be a better person or to become more aware. This trip is not a pilgrimage of Nolando - although that was my intention. Honestly, it is turning out to be a lengthly vacation with countless experiences and realizations.

Un Edited.. raw and real.

And Istanbul rocks by the way... It is warm, beautiful, and diverse.
More on Istanbul in the next blog.

"When you meet someone better than yourself, turn your thoughts to becoming his equal. When you meet someone not as good as you are, look within and examine your own self. "
CONFUCIOUS