F ING RUSSIA... DIATRIBE

F ING RUSSIA

I hate it. Hate it.. Hate it. 51 Countries.. all over the world and never have I been as frustrated as I am in Russia. NEVER!!!
I woke up this morning and decided to give myself almost 4 hours for my international flight. Plenty of time.. figure 1 hour to get to the airport - maybe 1.5 hours with traffic… still plenty of time to pass customs, passport control, and security. WRONG. That would be far too simple. Do you know why? Because I am in Russia.
The Moscow metro is beautiful, efficient, convenient, and goes everywhere. Stalin wanted palices underground and he certainly created them. I walk out of my hotel, say goodbye to Red Square and hop on the Red line. The Red Line for one stop then off and onto to the Grey Line at the Library and then the Gray Line to the Train Station. Catch a 30 minute train to the airport. Piece of cake. WRONG AGAIN. Why? All together now.. because this is Russia.
I arrived at the train station at 11:10. Next train was 12:55. Why do you build an express train to the airport that only comes every 1.5 hours? My flight was at 1:40. So… I grab a cab. As always… I get fucked because I am a foreigner… 3000 Ruples. $120 USD… try again. Ok.. Ok.. 2000 Ruples. 1500 ruples… 1300 Ruples. We finally agree on 1000 Ruples. $40 USD. Moscow is ungodly expensive – maybe even more than London or Tokyo. $40 for breakfast at the hotel. $28 for 24 hours of WIFI. $9 for a Mocha at Starbucks. Sometimes when you travel you expect it…but not like this. My bill at TGI Fridays for 2 cocktails and a beer was $40 USD.
So me and my chain smoking cabbie – he effectively and efficiently finished the whole pack on the way to the airport – jam down the main roads – onto the freeway… Back into the LADA I go. And we are off to the airport… at 11:15. 2.5 hours later… yes… really. 2.5 hours FUCKING LATER… I arrive at the Moscow airport at 1:30. Cab driver drove on the sidewalk, down alleys, through a park on a pedestrian trial… Yeah… I did pay $40 USD but that is the price… this was the time I did not want the scenic route. My flight leaves at 1:40. Traffic was crazy – as always in Russia – the guy had no clue where he was going. We got lost twice… got in a screaming match – he in Russian – me in English. I am sure he did not understand any of my profanity… I cussed him out good though… Nolando style. I felt better… if only for a little bit. I am laughing now… as I edit this.. but I was so angry.

Never the less I miss my flight. No problem.. I have an open ticket… I will just get the next flight. With an around the world ticket I can change dates, and times for free so no big deal. But.. I am in Russia. Moscow international airport… they have to speak English right. Have to!!! And they do.. but they cannot fix my ticket. I am flying Turkish airlines to Istanbul and they tell me to go and see DELTA??? WTF??? DELTA. No.. Delta is not even part of Star Alliance. By now… I am screaming at everyone.. so frustrated!!! They tell me to call United. HOW. I have no fucking cell phone. Ok… maybe WIFI. Yeah.. I will get on the internet. That is simple.. enter a credit card.. and off I go to cyber space. FUCKING WRONG AGAIN!!! In order to use WIFI you have to read Russian. No.. wait…, here is one in English. All I have to do is send an SMS from the cell phone that I don’t have and then they send me back a password. Finally after 2 hours of fighting with Turkish airways I convince the ticket agent to call her manager… She thinks she can help me. Tells me to wait an hour – 2 beers and some scotch later.,. I come back. 30 minutes of entering the exact same thing 20 times....she cannot figure out the computer. And she tells me to go and check in and they will fix it.
Tourism in Russian sucks – If you speak English. The people are nice, they smile, I think they try to help… but we just do not understand each other. The country, landscape, architecture is absolutely beautiful but Russia is not the place to come and see and explore. I have met some wonderful people here (Anna, Olga, Walter, and Vladimir – and I have learned so much about their country, customs, arts..) Russia is actually fun. People drink, party, they are very very intelligent, stylish, and worldly. But…If you get lost… you are fucked. If you need to go somewhere and have a question.. your fucked. But, the Russians would be miserable in the USA if they did not speak English too… so maybe all is the same. After all, I am a guest in their country and during Soviet times, they were not even allowed to learn English.

Maybe I have had 2 really bad experiences.. but nothing is organized, traffic sucks, trains are not convenient to the airport, everything is in Russian and perhaps 10 % of the population speaks English. Most of the younger people do… but I felt like I was lost in translation.. more than once. I do not care where I have to fly to tonight… but if I spend another day in Russia I will drink every drop of VODKA in this country. I swear!!!
Now… 2 hours later I have a ticket to Istanbul. Check in is a breeze – hot custom officer gives me the eye – studies my passport – and I am on my way. Browsing the duty free shops I think about how good that € 99 Johnny Walker Blue would taste.. Maybe grab a few Cubans… puff away…But I pass and settle for a € 9 bottle of Bailey’s that I will sneak onto the plane and drink in the bathroom (seriously… I probably won’t.. but I thought about it). I then head to the Irish Pub – which of course has no Guinness – why? Because we are in Russia. So I settle for some cheap Russian beer – settle in for the latest episode of Scooby Doo – nope… I cannot understand a word.. why? Cause it is in Russian. I smile and giggle like a school girl and people look at me wierd… I know this episode… you know… the one with the ape? And I reminisce about Las Vegas Halloween parties and Napoleon Dynamite. If we go as the cast of Scooby Doo we will own any club. I think to myself… I kind of look like Fred… Betty looks like Welma –jen could totally be Daffny….I I finish my beer – head to Turkish airlines, get patted down, frisked, they go through my bag – smile at the Bailey’s and then have a 5 minute conversation about a some of the tools I brought so I can tighten my braces… finally I am free to go. Now I am sitting next to some super stylish Turkish guy with horrible B.O. and gthere are crying kids all around and everyone is smoking.
Off to Warm weather, the land of Kebabs, Islam, and who knows what else. But you want to know the best part… It is not Russia.